March 2013
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Autocrats! They're Just Like Us! Putin Hates the...
Picture is unrelated but I couldn’t resist. Anyway I can justify it because that is probably what Putin did to South African security guards after they insisted his bodyguards put a top secret suitcase (ooh the intrigue!) through a security scanner. While the contents of the suitcase are unknown (dun dun dun!) people (aka the Daily Mail, duh) are speculating that these are the suitcases...
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BREAKING NEWS: Oligarch Boris Berezovsky Found...
In some actual news (for a change), Red Scare has just learned that crazy Russian oligarch, arch nemesis of Abramovich, thorn in Putin’s side and court case drama expert, Boris Berezovsky was found dead in his bathtub at his home in Surrey. Berezovsky has survived several assassination attempts in the past, including a car bomb which killed his driver. Now because Red Scare has no...
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Swimming in the Black Sea? Watch out for Ukrainian...
Ria Novosti reports that three of the Ukrainian Navy’s killer dolphins have escaped from their handlers during training exercises, probably to get some ass. Apparently, the Ukrainian navy employs dolphins that are trained to attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols attached to their heads (What. The. Fuck.) Reports indicate that only two of the five killer dolphins...
February 2013
6 posts
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Gerard Depardieu's New Address: No. 1 Democracy...
In what can only be described as the publicity tour of my dreams (if it included Papi Silvio, duh), Gerard Depardieu travelled to Russia this week to collect his new Russian passport! There are several interesting aspects to this story, so you may want to pour yourself a glass or twelve of vodka and settle in. First of all, the bloated buffoon (oops I mean RUSSIAN acting legend) went to the...
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The Hot New Vacation Destination: Kyrzakhstan!
Sasha Baron Cohen just kicked himself for not coming up with this hot new fake country. The new bootleg Hilary Clinton (cut to Hil’s side eye), new Secretary of State John Kerry, praised state employees working on the promotion of democracy in the dangerous non-existant country of Kyrzakhstan! The Daily Mail (obvi), reports that Kerry was actually referring to Kyrgyzstan, but got it...
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"What's wrong with a little (a LOT) self-love?"...
Well we here at Red Scare have been on top of the crazy antics of Central Asian leaders for like ever (read: a year) but looks like those lazy fools over at Foreign Policy are just catching on (LOL JK totz kidding love you mean it give us a job?!). Anyway there is a fantastic article in honor of President’s Day about leaders who like to make their birthdays national holidays (duh who...
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Russians Fear Rare Year of The Black Water Snake
I call that title for my next book project so hands off. Anybody who knows anything knows that astrology is clearly highly accurate and informative (you think I’m kidding but you should see how many astrology apps I have on my phone). RFE/RL points out that Russians are in a tizzy because we just entered the dreaded year of the snake (note: my sister is what they call a Metal Snake and I...
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Someone Will Make Love to You...Or ELSE! Putin...
One sweet day in February, Boyz II Men will be playing a concert in Moscow to help Russians get in the mood for some Papi Silvio style loving. Because sometimes the jokes write themselves, the Moscow Times reports, “The stylish trio of Boyz II Men, the most successful R&B group of all time, is coming to Moscow on Feb 6. The group will perform a selection of their classic and new...
January 2013
4 posts
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Putin Has Such a Way With Children!
Here’s our Vova doing what he does best, being a friend to all children and animals. That said, this story really doesn’t require any commentary, this kid’s face below says it all. I think Putin probably told him that if he didn’t stand up and quit being a sissy he might go the way of Pussy Riot.
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Watch Out Papi Silvio, Putin Has A New BFF4Lyfe...
By now you must have heard that bottle-pissing, head-butting and general drunken buffoon (ahem I mean French acting legend!) Gerard Depardieu is fleeing French taxes and seeking haven in the land of no pettiness and great feeling (his words not mine): Mother Russia. If you haven’t, you’ve either spent the last few days getting to know your vodka bottle or you’ve been on the...
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An Intrepid Red Scare Reporter Goes To China and...
Because nowhere is safe from the startling fashion choices of our beloved Russians, my inbox was punished with several snaps of hideous ensembles sported by Russian tourists in Beijing, where Red Scare reporter and friend Kelly bravely travelled for your amusement and pleasure (not really). After soaking my eyeballs in bleach to recover from the initial shock of these outfits, I downed some vodka...
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How To Beat the Crap Out of Your Demons: Siberian...
When I stumble across a picture of a Russian babushka beating a naked man with a stick (on the Daily Mail, where else?), I tend to put down my vodka and take note. The paragon of literary integrity regularly scours the globe for interesting “news” stories and this time they have really outdone themselves as they have found Lindsay Lohan’s next rehab facility! The DM reports...
December 2012
1 post
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I'm Back...With a Highly Important Post on Russian...
Well dear readers (all 2 of you) I don’t know what to say. I don’t really have an excuse for my laziness induced lack of posting so I’m sorry, lets down a vodka shot (or 7) and lets move on. What else could lure me back out of retirement like Silvio Berlusconi jolting out of his sleep at the mention of the word “bunga bunga”? Well, a ridiculous Russian woman who got...
October 2012
1 post
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Happy Birthday Mr. President!
I know I’m the worst. But what else to drive me out of laziness induced lack of posting than the 60th birthday of our Vova! I’m sure you already knew this though because Siberian cranes are flocking through the sky spelling out “HBD Vova!” and people are running all over the place climbing mountains to put up giant banners celebrating the birth of the beloved Russian...
September 2012
4 posts
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Putin Admits He Likes Group Sex, Berlusconi...
Our Vova is blowing up the internetz once again with his latest stunt, admitting in an interview that he likes groups sex because “you can skive off” and let others do the work. Cue Berlusconi quickly arranging a bunga bunga in Moscow. This really doesn’t come as a surprise to me…I mean this is a man who, as the Daily Mail so eloquently puts it, “relishes being...
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It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's Vova!!!
File this one under: shit I couldn’t make up if I tried. This is the stuff of my dreams so I suppose my subconscious does make this shit up. Either way, let’s add going on a motorized hang glider to ride to save endangered Siberian cranes to tiger hunting, killer whale shooting and ancient Greek treasure hunting to the list of Putin’s favorite weekend activities. Ria Novosti...
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'Till Death Do Us Part: Russian Man Fakes His Own...
In what can only be described as a stunningly romantic gesture (heh), The NY Daily News reports that Alexey Bykov, a Russian filmmaker, elaborately staged his own death in a car crash in order to lure his girlfriend down the aisle. Clever!!! Enterprising Alexey hired a filmmaker, makeup artists and a stuntman to help him stage an elaborate scene so that his girlfriend would get to experience...
August 2012
13 posts
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You've Gone Too Far This Time Russia!
As if all that Pussy Riot hullabaloo wasn’t enough, now those pesky Russian officials have really put their “foot” in it. The Moscow Times reports today that Leningrad regional authorities have cancelled the annual Bubble Baba challenge that we reported on last year. For those of you who haven’t been following this blog religiously for the past year (SHAME!), the Bubble...
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До свидания Olympics! (And Aliya Mustafina Wins...
Well the time has come to bid the Olympics adieu and I for one have the sadz about this. The thought that I won’t get to see my lord and savior of bitchface Aliya Mustafina serving it up on the medals podium every night is positively distressing.
BTW this gif has me running straight to Michael’s to buy out the entire supply of silver glitter. Sigh. Moving on. I also loved the...
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Putin Friend (and Deputy PM!) Rogozin Brands...
Who would have thought I would get to ever write a sentence containing the words “Madonna” “Moralizing” “Slut” “Pussy” “Riot” and “Putin”? Thank you! Well as you know, the Pussy Riot saga has been all over the media for weeks now and has finally made an appearance in my favorite beacon of literary integrity, the Daily Mail!...
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WatchOur Vova is at it again! The Moscow Times reports that JUDO CHAMPION OF THE WORLD was visiting a monastery on Lake Ladoga when some upstart Macedonian priest lost control of himself (can you BLAME him!?) and tried to kiss the hand that shot a hundred wild Siberian tigers. Well, our Vova did what any ice-hearted misanthrope would do if a pesky priest DARED to bring his lips into the vicinity of...
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Russia's Synchronized Swimmers Win Gold For Best...
Damn Russia is BRINGING it to these Olympic Games! I mean first we have the amazing gymnastics diva Aliya Mustafina who stole my cold black heart with her master bitch face (see below), boss moves, EYE MAKEUP and “challenging character” (did anyone else kneel down and praise her as our new lord and savior when she flicked her coach’s consoling hand away?!), and now we have...
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Non-Russia Related Post of the Day: Happy Birthday...
So I know this isn’t really topical, but just like everyone else in the world I have Olympics fever and am thus using that as an excuse to post about hot Olympic swimmer, douche bag extraordinaire and gold medal winner in sluttin’ Ryan Lochte! Well basically I found this gif and really needed an excuse to post it.
Ryan is hot and pretty dumb and wears retarded sneakers but really...
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Well Look Who Showed Up at the Judo Finals...
Everyone’s favorite tiger-sedating, killer-whale shooting, treasure hunting Russian president, our Vova, showed up in London today to watch Russia’s Tagir Khaibulaev win the gold medal in judo. Putin said that the result was a “brilliant success, the likes of which we’ve never had in the history of Russian or Soviet sport”. As you can see from the picture above,...
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Yet Another Reason Why Aliya Mustafina Won Gold In...
OMG I just came upon this glorious photo of yesterday’s medal ceremony for women’s team gymnastics and it confirmed my already serious love for Russia’s HOT betch Aliya Mustafina. Everyone is all solemn and respectful while the Star-Spangled Banner is being played (look at Ali Raisman’s wistful look of glory) but not our Aliya! Girl is giving a GOLD MEDAL winning bitch face...
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Russia Wins Gymnastics Gold Medal...For Eye-Makeup...
If you are anything like me (and the narcissist in me tells me you are!) then you are spending your days avoiding dissertation writing and instead are spending hours watching endless commercials and pictures of Tower bridge with a few seconds of Olympics coverage thrown in. Well yesterday was a big day because it saw the USA go up against our beloved Russians for the women’s team gymnastics...
July 2012
11 posts
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Olympic Parade of Nationzzzzz Fashion Review:...
So the Olympics Opening Ceremony. Fucking weird, am I right? At one point I looked around to see if I was inadvertently smoking angel dust, but no, that actually was a giant Lord Voldemort being vanquished by 100 Mary Poppins followed by a giant creepy glow in the dark baby. Okay! I did, however, get into the Bowie meets Prodigy meets 90s rave sequence because everyone who’s anyone knows...
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Just a Typical Slow News Day in Russia & Ukraine
Here I am minding my own business and doing my usual round up of the Russia related news when low and behold do mine eyes deceive me!? Not one, not two, but THREE amazingly bizarre bylines slapped my retinas across the (duh) eye and grabbed my attention like Britney Spears wielding an umbrella. Ria Novosti has really been bringing it lately what with lots of strange pictures of Moscow beauty...
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What the Fuck Are You Wearing!? Olympic Edition!
The time has come, dear readers, for us to sit around on our fat asses and eat chips while watching generally beautiful people fling themselves about and perform amazing feats of athleticism. No seriously, its almost the Olympics and my favorite part about watching this bitch (besides male swimming events) is the opening ceremony when all the countries parade around in their little national...
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Check out our latest post for Ready Set Jet! Its... →
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Pigeon/Boyfriend Problem? Ukraine Has the Answer!
Somebody in the public works department of Sumy, Ukraine is about to get a big raise because he/she just came up with a brilliant strategy to get rid of unwanted pigeons or boyfriends. Get them drunk on wine, drive them someplace else and when they wake up they won’t know what hit them! Its like Sunday morning in Brooklyn: men and pigeons waking up in a stupor and quickly trying to determine...
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Red Hot Pussy Riot
The Chili Peppers just played a show in Moscow during which Anthony Kiedis wore a Pussy Riot shirt. Kiedis used to be a hot piece back in the day, but now bitch is getting old. And that porn stache isn’t helping things. Anyways. I’m into the “support freedom of expression” thing going on here, but I would be hella surprised if Kiedis actually knows what the fuck is going on...
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In Which I Lose My Shit Over Ksenia Sobchak X Vice
So today I was dutifully sitting in an engrossing lecture on military modeling (you don’t want to know, trust me) while simultaneously skulking around the internetz as I am wont to do when I stumbled upon an epic article on our girl Ksenia Sobchak on my favorite (duh) website Vice! I kind of lost my shit over this strange clash of worlds and am pretty sure I giggled out loud and then had...
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Were the Czarina's Ever Really Gone?
Now despite the fact that the premise of this blog is making fun of the hideous fashion choices of many Russian people, we all know that oligarch chic is alive and kicking. While our poor eyes may indeed suffer the indignity of having to look at outrageously awful clothing choices on the streets of Moscow, they are often also treated to views of scores of absolutely stunning young women in...
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Oh Dima You Make It Too Easy!
Yesterday while checking my twitter feed, I spit out my ice tea all over my new iPhone because this glorious gem of a picture hit my retinas like a dexy shot to the heart. Now most of you will (should) know that our Dima is hip to internetz so not only has a twitter account but also an instagram! If you’re not following his instagram you will be missing lovely pictures of him in Mexican...
June 2012
12 posts
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Rainbow Brite Twinsie Travel Outfits Macau...
As you may know, I spent the last month frolicking about South East Asia trying to sneakily photograph Russians wearing horrible outfits. Well, I finally got around to putting the pictures on my computer so are you in for a treat! First up however were some looks I couldn’t ignore, even if they had nothing to do with Russia. I am fascinated by people who try to match outfits like overgrown...
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And Grandma Always Said to Wear Nice Underwear!
I was perusing one of my fav blogs English Russia this evening when I came across this startling post, entitled, “Do Not Buy Chinese Dresses”. What does this have to do with what looks like a dead babushka hanging out of a window you might be wont to ask? Well fret not because this babushka is not dead, she just fell out of a window and got caught by her obviously high quality Russian...
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att-bobloblaw-deactivated201211 asked: your blog is perfect. thank you.
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Navalny Appointed to Board of Aeroflot
Sexpot protester and corruption combatant Alexei Navalny has been installed onto Aeroflot’s board of directors. As the news broke, Navalny tweeted “Fly Aeroflot planes” citing the famous Soviet slogan. Now for anyone who has ever flown Aeroflot you know that in fact, you should NEVER fly aeroflot planes. The flights from Europe or NYC aren’t that horrific, but try flying...
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Medvedev visits Kadyrov in Chechnya, Needs a Keith...
IDK how I missed this (oh yeah I’m on vacation so I’m sleeping all day and too busy eating my way to China in my spare time…) but our friend Dima took a surprise trip to Grozny the other day to visit his friend and ours the gold loving wedding enthusiast Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov. I’m not sure what they talked about but oh my lord these pictures are hilarious. You...
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"The Russians Are Coming! They're Here! And...
A contingent of gay and lesbian immigrants from the FSU took to the streets at yesterday’s Pride Parade in NYC to raise awareness about the plight of homosexuals in Russia. Wearing typically colorful garb, protesters from the RUSA LGBT group sought to bring attention to the recent changes in Russian law that they call human rights violations against gays and lesbians. To get their message...
